Monday, July 18, 2005

Time never say Thank You

Dear Diary,

I understand that life is never what one would wish, as life feels no guilt in contorting ones hopes, aspirations and dreams to produce a never ending array of experiences. Life is a teacher, an understatement that can be dismissed by no one. I myself have been time and time again a pawn in the game of life. Life has taken away so much from many of us, but for good reasons, so as to allow us to realize that we were blessed to have had so much to loose.

My mind was all muddled up and everything went upside down but still I remained silent. No one would ever imagine how I am feeling right now..

Dear Diary,

I hate the fact that I am still unemployed but on the other hand I do love this job -err, housewife. Each visit to our relatives, people keeps asking where my office is. Honestly, sitting alone in the living room, watching television that sometimes I couldn't pay attention is quite bored.

Waiting for PTD result is a torturing process especially when you have other job waiting for you. I love to be part of auditing field but the burden that I have to carry on is frightening me although I have desire to do it. At this time around, I just afraid my opportunity to grab this job will be taken away as I had pending the offer almost 1 1/2 months.

Attending other interviews, for me is the best way to learn about other people perspective on married woman. I had attended an interview with this BIG company. Usually, it is a normal for me to answer the question on whether I am capable to handle responsibilities at work and my personal life. But, during this interview it was totally abnormal. For almost an hour, the interviewers continuously ask about married woman issues. And my debate becomes pointless for him.

At first, I thought it was a good advice given from an expert in this field, but later during the session, I felt that I had been discriminate. For 23 years, my life is surrounded with a married woman who has excelled in her career, earning almost 5K a month!! And she managed to do all the house chores of course with the help of maid. So how could this interviewer underestimate my ability without looking at my work etiquette? What's wrong with my married title that I hold as I am not the only woman on earth who is working? Why at the first place I have been selected for the interview?

He is not testing me at all, but he depressed me with orthodox question. Period!

Dear Diary,

It is already a month after Baba's operation and next week he will start working. He is not 100% recovered yet. I cant imagine he has to drive alone all the way to Segamat, preparing for his own meals for the next few months and climbing the stairs quite a few times in a day! Tears rolling down on my cheek as I understand the word scarification means. At his age, he should not do what he is doing. I am happy to switch his place but I couldn't. As the eldest, I feel useless because I am not able to help even a penny for my family.

I wish I could pack my bag and accompany Baba until he is fully recovered, but I stop as I am looking at Dearie who is sleeping soundly besides me. I almost popped out this question to him but I am afraid. Afraid that he will give a "YES" answer. My responsible for him is greater than I ever have in this world. He needs me to complete his routine and so do I. But deep inside my heart, my heart is battling to "escort" Baba.

p/s I just received a letter from that company and as I expected, i failed for the interview. I dont mind at all if i dint get the job but i do mind especially they are more concern on my status rather that my ability. May Allah BLESS them.

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